I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.