Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager