Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!