“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]