*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I would move hell over six inches for you
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Cndnsd Mlk
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not