Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Made something I’m not proud of
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.