fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I am a gravy boat captain
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.