A new level of troll.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I only eat vegetarians.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.