If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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Best mom ever 😂
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old