Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.