DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.