[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.