I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.