ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
You Might Also Like
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
mom gave me mine for free
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’m confused about plants