Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
You Might Also Like
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?