Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Sunday
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars