Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want