ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
You Might Also Like
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Seas the day!!!!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee