For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Feels
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
When libraries troll their patrons.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz