Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You Might Also Like
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately