Still laughing at this stupid meme
You Might Also Like
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
What a year we’ve had this week.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.