This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.