Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.