BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.