Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer