You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”