I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
so this horse walks into a bar
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Am getting real tired of your crap…
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule