How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..