it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.