friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
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I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????