I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.