Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.