making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.