Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.