Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.