No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
translated into Canadian
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.