Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
This January has 47 Mondays
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.