Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
You Might Also Like
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*