Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Hank is one in a melon.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.