Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this