tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If you breakdance you buy dance.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.