me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold