Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
You Might Also Like
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.