* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.