My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.