4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.