I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
This is my pinned tweet
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place