so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before