If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
What personal space?
My dog
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song