Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]